Here I am again with the blank page (screen) in front of me.
It’s August. Eleventh. Twenty-twenty.
oh boy. I just read over some of my earlier entries, and I am humbled to admit that I really am still working through all the same things!!!! Does this mean I have made no progress at all?! Am I just walking in circles around and around, doing the same behaviors, the same mental stories, the same bad habits? Or am I going in a spiral, meeting up with some of the same challenges but maybe, just maybe, I am even a little quicker to quiet the voice of victimhood or not-good-enough.
I’ve really been doing the work. I think.
I study Torah and work to incorporate its goodness into my life.
I practice yoga and work to incorporate its goodness into my life off the mat
My life is pretty great. I’m pretty grateful.
Still I encounter these: Negativity. Worry about what other people think of me and my decisions. Comparing myself. Jealousy. Fear. Self-importance. Desire for attention and admiration (Ego).
I think I would like to start a blog about being a yoga studio owner. Owning this business is such an interesting journey and I feel (rightly or wrongly?) that my own process plays out on the “screen” of the yoga studio. Like when I put in a lot of positive energy, the studio thrives….when I feel good, when I practice often….the studio seems to thrive.
But. What I’m thinking is not just an online journal like this space….which has no readers and where I just occasionally dump my thoughts. Yes, an online journaling space….but more branded for my business and myself as a yoga teacher and leader of whatever it is I want to do more leading of (maybe life coaching or vegan coaching?). So kind of like my old blog edtechworkshop where I just reflected on whatever I was teaching and learning….a professional brand.
But….then I start getting caught up in the structure. Like where does this new blog live and what do I call it and then I feel like I start to structure the posts more for a readership and have a desire to have people read and make it useful and then it both gains and loses something. Because I am the most unstructured person ever. And that IS my structure. And I want to start to structure my unstructuredness in a way that maybe someone else like me could go….oh wow that is so cool and helpful.
When I write for myself, I just write.
When I write for an audience I make more effort to write well….to have a goal of what I want to say. I’m not sure if that is good.
I have fear of being seen. And yet I want to be successful in my work and that requires being seen. I have fear of being criticized and misunderstood. And yet, whenever you put yourself “out there” you risk being criticized, misunderstood or worse.