I feel ugly. On the inside.

Just to be clear….I am not ugly. I am a beautiful, loving, kind and generous person….doing my best in the world. Trying to be all I can be, to make the most of my life and the gifts I’ve been given. But, like most humans, I struggle sometimes. And now is one of those times.

An ordeal.

I struggle with forgiveness. I get my feelings hurt by other people’s behavior.

I feel furious. Wounded. Betrayed. Resentful. Angry.
I will not go into the details, but it is with a group of people. A so-called community. A community of selfish and poorly behaved (in my opinion) people.

How will I heal my heart? Here is the prescription:

  • Focus on the good: Yes, there are a lot of assholes in any community. That is the nature of all communities…people are at different points in their personal evolutions. (And the assholes never recognize themselves as the assholes!) But there are also amazing people. Tremendous, kind, loving people or at least people who behave according to social conventions and try to do the basic right thing. Why, when I am upset, does my mind constantly move toward the negative instead of focusing on the positive? It’s an act of discipline, when the negative story begins telling itself yet again, to pull the mind away and refocus on something good. There is always something good.
  • Gratitude: Much like focusing on the positive, activating the healing power and perspective-shift that comes from gratitude. There are many ways to practice gratitude. Taking the time to notice the many gifts for which I have to be grateful, and then taking the time to say thank you. It’s a simple yet powerful remedy.
  • Give: I also try (probably could and should do more!) to practice generosity. Givers are happy people. I have been given so much. I know that it is my obligation to pay everything forward- material gifts as well as gifts of time, love and energy. There is ALWAYS someone in need. In this age of social media, you can just go on a website and see all the people struggling right in your own community. It’s painful to read people’s stories, but a simple donation can help. Even giving a tip at Starbucks or adding an extra dollar to a tip counts as generosity. Give. And then give some more!
  • Be the Change: This is so hard. We only want to change others’ behavior. However, if I search deep and honest, I can recall times when I was the asshole. I don’t want to be an asshole. Even when I was the asshole, I didn’t want to be. I didn’t mean to be. Sometimes I even knew that I was doing something unkind, but I rationalized my behavior. The hardest thing is to show kindness in the face of someone else’s unkindness. However, what the world needs most is kindness. I don’t know what is going on with those people, why they have their heads so far up their asses. I will never change anyone else. But I can possibly soften my own heart and do better in my own behavior.

Thanks for listening. Wish me luck as I work through this!

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